I'm a serious writer but can you help me? Critisim needed on the intro to this chapter?

I hate to say this, but it's very cheesy and very, very cliche. The names sound very Mary Sue-ish, which will be frowned upon by more serious readers. To tell the truth, the whole story was very cliche and the writing was not that good. Even worse, the main character sounds like a real Mary Sue, which is something that you should avoid at all costs. There are also many grammar mistakes and some spelling errors. This story is mediocre at best, and that's a stretch. I'm sorry if I seem too harsh, but I'm trying to give it to you straight. The truth is that this story is not going to get published. It's okay, but compared to the countless other authors with much more experience and much better material, it's a little shabby. I hope that you don't stop writing and please don't take my criticism too harshly.